Villa and Bolton

Today, I watched Bolton Wanderers versus Aston Villa.

Why did I bother.

It was like attending a Southern Baptist church.

It was stale, boring, full of crosses, with Martin O’Neill acting like a nutty evangelical preacher – jumping up and down gesturing at nothing and remonstrating with his coaching staff over certain refereeing decisions such as throw-ins or offsides. Occasionally the crowd would sing crap songs – about how Bolton were the greatest team the world has ever seen. That world is obviously full of blind people and guide dogs. The Villa chant wasn’t much better. It went like this:


I know what you are thinking. The lyrics are difficult to memorize.

On 43 minutes Villa scored. Ashley Young put in a cross, a Villa player missed the header and the ball went in off the post. The goal was a fluke. But the commentator started talking about Villa taking 4th spot. I laughed inside.

The second half was the same. Crosses, headers, long balls from the back, tough tackles and not much else. Those wankers that say that the English Premiership is the best in the world need to watch this game – it was worse than MLS.

On 60 minutes, Bolton equalized. A cross, a defensive error, a goal. Bolton’s fans celebrated as though a revelation had just happened – no Bolton fans, it was the average Tamir Cohen scoring a shit goal.

The game painfully continued, just like a painfully boring sermon in some crusty Baptist Church. Both sets of supporters sang nothing songs about their loyalty to their clubs, and both teams played long, protracted, football. I was bored just like I would be sitting in a pew in any stale church in the South.

The ref only played 2 minutes of added time, saving me and plenty of others from the threat of being brainwashed by the commentator who kept on telling me that Martin O’Neill had worked miracles. Let’s get this straight, not even Mahatma Ghandi, Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela worked miracles so how the fuck has Martin O’Neill?

The commentator later said that David Moyes should win Manager of the Year. For what? Getting to an FA cup final, reaching 6th in the Premier league? Or for not even making the group stages of the UEFA cup and then losing to Blackburn in the Carling cup 3rd round.

I then came to a conclusion about Bolton and Aston Villa. Bolton are like a hemorrhoid on your penis, while Villa are the herpes of the Premier League. Every so often they have a good season by threatening to finish in the top six by playing really painful football. They then get knocked out of the UEFA cup by playing their reserve team, complain about their small squads and then try and enter the Intertoto cup in order to qualify for the UEFA cup again. Genius!

That pathetic competition has now been disbanded, so Villa will instead try and break into the top four by buying more average international players like Nicky Shorey and James Milner. Those players can’t even break into the England squad. But the point is they’re English, which is more than Arsenal can say about their squad!

It was 13 games ago when Villa last won a match. Yet Martin O’Neill says:

“Overall I have been delighted with the team and on the whole we have been playing pretty well.”

12 games and zero wins is shocking. On the whole, Villa have played football similar to that of Stoke. Horrible! Overall, I would be disgusted by Villa’s results, but I support Arsenal, so I find them a complete joke.

If Arsenal win their next two Premiership games, they can look forward to more Champions League football next season. Villa on the other hand will disappear, only to reappear some time later like a bad hemorrhoid or a dose of herpes on the Premiership landscape.


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