A Message To US/English “Soccer” Coaches

I hate English blokes that work as “soccer” coaches in America. They’re the most arrogant fuck faces I’ve ever met.

Take this wank from some small city in the north of England. He’s 24 years old, assistant coach at some crap, small, womens college in the Bible Belt. At the age of 10 he was signed by Nottingham Forest and played in the same youth team as Michael Dawson and Jermaine Jenas. He thinks that this gives him kudos – it does, but only by the same soccer moms and dads that gave Monica Lewinsky kudos for trying to end Bill Clinton’s presidential career by sucking his cock and shoving his cigar up her fat vadge.

Mr. Northen England, you failed at Nottingham Forest, but unfortunately for the rest of the world you were offered a “soccer” scholarship at some Christian Never Heard Of It College in West Virginia. To get into this dump hole of an education establishment, which is funded by America’s Christian Right, you had to be above average at soccer. You didn’t have to take A-Levels or SAT’s – that would have been too difficult for your tiny brain. Just farting, having an English accent and a good right foot would suffice.

Unfortunately, this waxed your ego, which has been huge ever since you walked into Nottingham Forest’s academy. From that moment on you have built up a sense of entitlement. It goes like this:

I am Mr. Northern England. I played in the Nottingham Forest Youth Academy. This means that I’m better than you. In my grey, shitty, little English home town I suddenly became a big fish in a small pond among kids my own age. I was the best player in my neighbourhood. Ok, so I never made it at Nottingham Forest but I played college in the USA. They paid for my college education. That’s like being a pro. Then after my college playing career was over, I was offered an assistant coaching position at a religious nut house college for girls. Immediately, I thought that I was Alex Fergurson. I ignored the truth. That I am getting paid fuck all to pick up cones and bibs after training and hand out water bottles to sweaty, below average, devout Christian girls, with fat arses on match day.

The truth is that if I was any good at playing, I would have made the MLS draft. I didn’t, but that doesn’t stop me from being arrogant and obnoxious. An example of this is when I go to a bar where people are watching “soccer” games. When I walk through the door, I suddenly feel like a celebrity. That’s because I think that I have more knowledge about “soccer” than those around me. I sneer and disregard anyone else’s opinion on “soccer” even before they have told me their thoughts.

I’m English, I played with Jenas and Dawson. I’ve played against Jermaine Pennant. Now who else can say that? Hardly anyone.

Then last week, I go on this coaching course in Denver. There I meet other “soccer” coaches. Most are Americans. I only talk to those who coach college. I don’t bother talking to the high school or club coaches. They’re beneath me.

There are one or two British guys on the course. One is this guy from London who I hated. He thought he was the bollocks because he dressed weird, read The Count of Monte Christo instead of taking notes during field sessions. One day this “bell end” (northern English slang) fell asleep underneath the bench while everyone else was listening to instructors give practice sessions. For the first two days he never partcipated in any of the field sessions because he was too into his novel. Wanker! I had no respect for this man because he turned up on the first day with his wife dropping him for registration. What was he? A little boy being dropped off for summer camp by mummy? I asked him where he was from. He said London. I hate Londoners, mainly because they have a better sense of style than us northerners. They have better clubs, know how to hustle, chat, and act better than people like me. I buss out my Stone Island gear, not realizing that only chavs and northern hooligans wear that. No decent club in London would allow me entry if I decked my self out in Stone Island garms. In Nottingham, they would.

My next question to him was which team he supported. He said Arsenal. I hate that team. I mean how many English players have they produced? Now look at the amount of English players that Nottingham Forest have produced. Twat!

Anyway, this weird London fuck who was 36 (12 years my senior), finally participated one day in the field sessions. He fucking roasted me. It was embarrassing because everyone thought that he no skill because he didn’t dress like a coach. He coached in a Fubu sweat suit and read real literature instead of “soccer” coaching diagrams. My hatred for him went up ten fold. Every time he got the ball he went past me as if I was a cart horse. So I decided to blank him. After all I played with Michael Dawson and coach college.

It’s fucks like Mr. Northern England who turn me off supporting England.

England are international football’s Man United. If they win the World Cup, which I hope they never do, I will consider buying some rope and hanging myself from the rafters. English people still go on about 1966 in the same way that Republicans rave about the Reagan years. I hate them.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of people like Scott coaching in America. That’s because they would get found out in a country like France or Brazil. France would be too challenging for them.


Keep it Arsenal.


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