The first time I read the name Chamakh, I thought Arsenal were trying to sign a Jewish holiday. I immediately thought that Usmanov and David Dein were up to no good. That was over a month ago. Since then my wife has had her period, two American journalists have been freed from a North Korean prison, and the price of sugar has reached a 28 year high.

You can see why I smoke Jamaican cigarettes, drink high gravity beer, and subscribe to porn sites.

Marouane Chamakh is a hard name to pronounce. That’s because of two things:

1. It’s Moroccan and so is the player;

2. I am an ignorant Brit living in the deep south.

Let’s deal with me living in the south. Whenever I tell someone that I live in the south, they give me this strange look. The same one you give to anyone who said they were a member of Branch Davidian religious sect – you know that nutty one in Waco, Texas that burnt to the ground after a siege by the FBI. It was headed by that nut job David Koresh. Tottenham tried to sign him.

Back in 2007, I attended a boring coaching course in Bloomsburg, PA. Most people were from New Jersey, New York, Massachuesetts or Ohio. Telling northerners that I lived in South Carolina was on a par with saying that my sister was having my baby.

A housemate of mine was from Trinidad. We seemed to get along, until he asked where I lived. South Carolina, I responded. He gave me that “Oh I see look…” Later that night I caught him checking my pillowcases for eye holes.

I’m sure if Arsenal sign Chamakh he won’t suffer the same treatment, even though the player has stated that his on/off transfer to Arsenal is making him lose sleep.

To be honest, I don’t care if we sign this guy. He’s a striker and not a prolific one. We don’t really need another striker. We need a center-back or a defensive midfielder. So why don’t we buy one?

Because Wenger is playing a game of poker.

He tells fans that he is happy with his current squad. If you believe that, then you will believe that South Carolina has the best race relations on planet earth.

Deadline day is August 31st.

We await developments.



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