Hey Informer, Where’s My New Keeper?

I hate losing. Most of the matches we lost last season were not due to injuries. We lost because of mistakes. The entire team had a hand in the list of errors but nobody more than our so-called goalkeepers caused our season to end the way it did.

Those two clowns called our No. 1 and No. 2 make me sick. I regularly have nightmares in which those two play leading roles. I dream in color so that bleached-haired poodle walker haunts me in vivid sleep HD. As if I needed more to upset me during this most important of close seasons, I now have a self-proclaimed “informer” texting me news about any and everything but a new keeper. Some of you might know him as El Cunto, the scourge of Stoke City, the angry man in the trio that is 1886. Let me stress that he is a good man but he’s got sauces (yes, s-a-u-c-e-s) of information that rival some of the biggest cunts who claim to be in the know.

Hey, Informer, I WANT A NEW KEEPER! I don’t give a shit about whether or not we’ve signed a wasteful Dutch kid who is lucky that Japan failed to equalize on a very good late chance. Affelay may be a decent enough player but he had Robin clear in the box and went in alone – wasted chance. A few minutes later, he was one on one with the keeper. He wasted that chance too. As fate would have it, Japan found themselves with an excellent chance to equalize but Shinji Okazaki sent his shot high over the Dutch bar. Let’s be clear, the Dutch press would have grilled Affelay if Japan had equalized.

Hey Informer, I support Arsenal. I don’t give a shit about who the next Liverpool manager is. Kenny Dalglish, Stevie Nicol, Paul McCartney, Ringo Fucking Starr, Manuel Pellegrini – it doesn’t matter a lick to me. WHERE’S MY FUCKING KEEPER?

And now he’s texting me that we’ve signed that Koscielny character. Ok, but 1) I can wait until it’s made official by the club thank you very much and 2) WHERE’S MY KEEPER? We need a keeper like England need to show the world that they really do know how to play football. It’s dire. THAT is what I care about.

If you want to impress me Informer, find out if we’ve signed, will sign, or even have designs on signing a new keeper. That would help me get through this summer with less angst. THAT would be splendid. Anything less is wasting my time and your texts.

At least I have Brazil (and more “information” from The Informer) to look forward to later. And wouldn’t I love to have their keeper! Arsene, help us out here.

I have books to return to the library now. Chat later!

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