News? Really?

I apologize for picking on you Mr. Henderson but you’ve presented a good case for the point I’d like to make. Maybe Wickham will join Arsenal at some point, we shall see. Nevertheless, here is a classic example of what I mean when I say “news” stories are often not:

By Mel Henderson
15th July 2010

MH: Arsenal are ready to take on bitter rivals Tottenham in a bidding war for rising Ipswich star Connor Wickham.
Me: Where does this come from? Has someone at Arsenal revealed that they are ready to do this? If so, why has Henderson been told?

MH: Spurs, who have already had a £5million offer rejected, have upped their bid to £8m and are willing to loan the prodigious 17-year-old back to the Tractor Boys next season.
Me: Fuck _pur_!

MH: But Gunners’ boss Arsene Wenger is also a big fan of Wickham, whose goals saw England crowned European Under 17 champions in May.
Me: Again, how does Henderson know who Wenger is a big fan of? It would help if you printed the quote where Arsene is stating that he is a fan of the player.

MH: Wickham netted both goals in the semi-final win over France and then the winner against Spain in the final, following up his three goals in four games for Ipswich the previous month.
Me: Oh? Maybe Fabio should have taken him to S. Africa. He may be good but those goals were scored against a handful of kids who might not even be in football in five years – some will become accountants or pimps or altar boys or journalists or drunks or rappers.

MH: Wenger is desperate to add firepower to his attack and does not want to lose out on Wickham, especially to Spurs.
Me: Wenger “is desperate to add firepower to his attack”? Even when his publically stated, No. 1 priority is to add a defensive player? Even after he has already bought a striker? Maybe I’m thick but the math doesn’t add up. And the bit about losing out “on Wickham, especially to Spurs”. How gratuitous can you get!?!? An Arsenal manager who doesn’t want to lose out to _pur_? Really???

MH: Hard-up Ipswich, whose latest accounts will reveal a debt close to £50m, are under pressure to sell.
Me: I dare him to call Ipswich “hard-up” with Roy Keane in the room.

MH: They have not made any signings this summer and boss Roy Keane has transfer-listed eight senior stars [stars???] in an attempt to raise much-needed funds.
Me: Maybe they really are cash-starved but he probably put them on the transfer list because they’re fucking soft. This is Roy Keane we’re talking about. It should never surprise you if he puts a player on the transfer list.

MH: But he knows that only by cashing in on Wickham will he be able to target the reinforcements required to turn the Tractor Boys into promotion challengers.
Me: Henderson says, “only by cashing in on Wickham will he be able to target the reinforcements”. Well what if some rich Russian does a Roman? What then?

And a reply from the Supah Striker down in Bermie:

The sad thing is that this guy thinks he wrote a wonderful article. All those rags in the UK hide behind the bullsh*t of “can’t reveal my source” in order to cover up the fact that their stories are purely fictional trash. He’s a two-bit clown that read some pathetic story in another rival heap of sh*t paper and thought “oh goodie, here’s some juice! I can use this!” he slurps down his juice and coughs up this rubbish. It’s really quite easy. I could get a couple of facts in 30 seconds on the internet (Wickham scored goals in these games over this time period and he’s 17). Now I take a known fact (Arsenal – Spurs animosity) and chuck in Keane given his former club’s poor relationship with Wenger, a few grainy pictures of my nephew to pass off as so called Wickham in training as a prodigious youth and BLAM! I’m a magician – just filled out a whole page for the paper in 10 minutes flat. I then sign it “Cunt” and I’m a rag star celebrity. That’s my route to the top. The guy’s a loser and was 100% definitely bullied by even the softest pansies in the playground. If I saw him today, I’d just take his lunch and walk away laughing.

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