I’ve left Boulder, Colorado and have moved to Atlanta, Georgia.

There are 11 good reasons for this:

1. I prefer the east coast. Boulder is in the mid-west…not the west as it so often claims. It is a “liberal” bubble in the middle of a conservative wasteland of dried up praries and pre-fab homes. I will take humidity over thin air any day.

2. Being only 5 hours time difference from London is better than being 7 hours. It means that if Arsenal have a kick-off at 12:30 pm GMT then I don’t have to get up at some hour that only crack heads or heroin users are awake at.

3. Women of Boulder are disgusting. They just let themselves go all fucking natural. To the extent that they either look like a used yoga mat or a fucking herbal tea bag. Their legs look like moss on an ancient tree stump. This is because a lot of them don’t shave their legs, whereas the men who bike everywhere thinking that they’re in the Tour de fucking France – wearing tight fluorescent cycling shorts and wank cycling helmets – do shave their legs. So the women don’t shave their legs but the men do. Boulder needs to get its priorities straight.

4. In Boulder, it snows in May and is known to snow in September and June. That means that it has worse weather than Stoke on Trent. Fuck that!

5. Don’t hate normal women because they’re hot. The truth is they’re not ‘naturally’ hot. Thank God for $150 high-lights, $60 haircuts, eyebrow waxing, Brazilian waxing. These services are mainstream except in Boulder where they are shunned. Most women embrace these and look forward to them but not in Boulder. Giant bush no thanks!. Grey hair at 30 not a chance! Boulder women stop looking like grey haired badgers!

6. I climbed a mountain – The Twin Sisters – it’s 11,500 feet up in the air. I got to the top and was surrounded by clouds. There was no vegetation at the top. I was freezing cold and struggled for air. Then it started to snow. It was early September. It took me 3 hours to run down to the bottom. When I got home, I was depressed. I vowed never to climb a mountain again. Rambo I’m not.

7. Denver is the Sheffield of the USA. It’s full of white trash meth heads walking around in over-sized black clothing with pasty white skin. Their skin reminds me of Marilyn Manson – it’s so white, they could smuggle talcum powder. Then you have the Latino gang bangers and their white T-Shirts and barrio attitude. Take away the backdrop of the Rockies and you’re left with industrial New Jersey and the most overrated weather on the planet.

8. If you’re a woman, you’ll get a dirty look for wearing lipstick or heels.

9. Patagonia, North Face, Columbia, and REI are not stylish. Please don’t shop for formal wear in these locations. A ‘cocktail’ dress from Patagonia will not cut it on the East Coast.

10. Back in the 90’s tanning salons popped up all over the country like zits on a pre-teen face. This phenomenon does not compare to the rate at which Marijuana dispensaries appeared in Boulder. One block could contain up to 5 of these joints (no pun intended). They supply weed for every walk of life and every situation imaginable….and all it takes is $90 and some flimsy card from your weed friendly doctor. You’ve got: weed for waking up, getting ready for work weed, at work weed, fuck weed, pre-pregnancy bud, breast-feeding friendly get the drift. The entire city was stoned. Which you may not think is a bad thing, but honestly it gets old- fast.

11. Oh and about that breast-feeding. In most of the US, breast feeding is reserved for the crowd under 1 year. Well, at any given day in Boulder just head on down to the local YMCA and there you will witness what to the average person is a freak show, some gray haired hippie nut-job breast feeding her 4 year old kid- her nasty breasts on display, free of charge. It’s like watching Spurs qualify for the Champions League!

Keep It Arsenal

El Cunto


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