Atlanta

I’ve left Boulder, Colorado and have moved to Atlanta, Georgia.

There are 11 good reasons for this:

1. I prefer the east coast. Boulder is in the mid-west…not the west as it so often claims. It is a “liberal” bubble in the middle of a conservative wasteland of dried up praries and pre-fab homes. I will take humidity over thin air any day.

2. Being only 5 hours time difference from London is better than being 7 hours. It means that if Arsenal have a kick-off at 12:30 pm GMT then I don’t have to get up at some hour that only crack heads or heroin users are awake at.

3. Women of Boulder are disgusting. They just let themselves go all fucking natural. To the extent that they either look like a used yoga mat or a fucking herbal tea bag. Their legs look like moss on an ancient tree stump. This is because a lot of them don’t shave their legs, whereas the men who bike everywhere thinking that they’re in the Tour de fucking France – wearing tight fluorescent cycling shorts and wank cycling helmets – do shave their legs. So the women don’t shave their legs but the men do. Boulder needs to get its priorities straight.

4. In Boulder, it snows in May and is known to snow in September and June. That means that it has worse weather than Stoke on Trent. Fuck that!

5. Don’t hate normal women because they’re hot. The truth is they’re not ‘naturally’ hot. Thank God for $150 high-lights, $60 haircuts, eyebrow waxing, Brazilian waxing. These services are mainstream except in Boulder where they are shunned. Most women embrace these and look forward to them but not in Boulder. Giant bush no thanks!. Grey hair at 30 not a chance! Boulder women stop looking like grey haired badgers!

6. I climbed a mountain – The Twin Sisters – it’s 11,500 feet up in the air. I got to the top and was surrounded by clouds. There was no vegetation at the top. I was freezing cold and struggled for air. Then it started to snow. It was early September. It took me 3 hours to run down to the bottom. When I got home, I was depressed. I vowed never to climb a mountain again. Rambo I’m not.

7. Denver is the Sheffield of the USA. It’s full of white trash meth heads walking around in over-sized black clothing with pasty white skin. Their skin reminds me of Marilyn Manson – it’s so white, they could smuggle talcum powder. Then you have the Latino gang bangers and their white T-Shirts and barrio attitude. Take away the backdrop of the Rockies and you’re left with industrial New Jersey and the most overrated weather on the planet.

8. If you’re a woman, you’ll get a dirty look for wearing lipstick or heels.

9. Patagonia, North Face, Columbia, and REI are not stylish. Please don’t shop for formal wear in these locations. A ‘cocktail’ dress from Patagonia will not cut it on the East Coast.

10. Back in the 90’s tanning salons popped up all over the country like zits on a pre-teen face. This phenomenon does not compare to the rate at which Marijuana dispensaries appeared in Boulder. One block could contain up to 5 of these joints (no pun intended). They supply weed for every walk of life and every situation imaginable….and all it takes is $90 and some flimsy card from your weed friendly doctor. You’ve got: weed for waking up, getting ready for work weed, at work weed, fuck weed, pre-pregnancy bud, breast-feeding friendly weed..you get the drift. The entire city was stoned. Which you may not think is a bad thing, but honestly it gets old- fast.

11. Oh and about that breast-feeding. In most of the US, breast feeding is reserved for the crowd under 1 year. Well, at any given day in Boulder just head on down to the local YMCA and there you will witness what to the average person is a freak show, some gray haired hippie nut-job breast feeding her 4 year old kid- her nasty breasts on display, free of charge. It’s like watching Spurs qualify for the Champions League!

Keep It Arsenal

El Cunto

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Henry is a New Yorker

French Lovin Cunt laughed when I told him that I bought a New York Red Bull top from Marshalls for $20. That was two years ago. He laughed when I told him that Arsenal are signing Joe Cole.

You get the picture.

I’m not a fan of the MLS but it’s slowly progressing. The Beckham signing was all show – and a piss poor one at that. Beckham has spent more time playing on loan for AC Milan or being injured than he has for the Galaxy.

It serves the Galaxy right for trying to be spoken in the same breath as Barcelona or Real Madrid by signing a fading 34 year old has been. The Beckham signing gave the Galaxy a fake status but was just a marketing stunt – nothing else.

If Beckham and his anorexic wife are all about the jet setting lifestyle – Hollywood, modelling, hanging out with Tom Cruise – Henry is more down to earth. He’s more New York.

Footballing wise, LA Galaxy and the New York Red Bulls are shit and so is the MLS.

Could this all change with the Red Bulls signing Arsenal legend Henry? No, but it will raise the profile of the Red Bulls and the MLS.

Henry is only 32. He still has a season or two of magic in him, but one player can’t make a team. I think that the lack of quality in the MLS will frustrate Henry but his time spent in New York will make up for that.

If you live in New York, you have a great opportunity to meet Henry in person. The Scum play the Red Bulls on July 22nd. It will be interesting to see how many Scum fans turn up to see Harry Twitch-face and his Champions League pretenders and how many Gooners will attend to support Henry.

The game could be more interesting in the stands. If you go to the game and meet a Scum fan just remember that cunt Danny Rose and how miserable you were when co-commentator and ex-Scum striker Paul Walsh starting masturbating over Spurs. Think of David Bentley and his horrible smug face. Remind yourself of that 4-4 draw at the Emirates when Arsenal were leading 4-2 with two minutes left.

Then punch the Scum fan as hard as you can in the head.

You are a Gooner. Do your duty!

El Cunto

The 60 Million Pound Final

This weekend is the FA Cup final. The final is already being promoted as a fairytale clash between the Premiership champions and last placed Portsmouth – who are 135 million pounds in debt. For me, the FA Cup final is a foregone conclusion. Chelsea will win it and claim their first domestic double. Portsmouth will start next season in the Championship and will inevitably struggle not to get relegated again.

The more interesting game that will take place at Wembley is the Championship Play-Off final between Cardiff City and Blackpool. Neither club has ever played Premiership football and at the start of the season no-one would have predicted that either club would be on the verge of doing so.

Blackpool is England’s equivalent to the New Jersey shore – but a lot worse. It has terrible hotels and guest houses. The restaurants are dank, the clubs are crass, the weather is dreary and the food is awful. It’s where the northern Chavs of Britain go to get laid or have their Stag Night. Add the Blackpool Tower, an old roller-coaster, a Ferris Wheel and a sandy beach and you’ve got the Holiday Hellhole of England.

Blackpool used to be a powerhouse in English football. Back in the late 1940’s and early 1950’s – when Britain still considered itself a world power – Blackpool appeared in six FA Cup finals – winners in 1953 – and came close to being League Champions on several occasions. They also supplied the England national team with several players during that time including Stanley Matthews. However, Blackpool haven’t played in England’s top division since 1971 and until today have never looked likely to.

Blackpool playing in the Premiership is still unthinkable. Back in 2007 they were playing in Division One where they won automatic promotion to the Championship with current Leeds boss Simon Grayson. The 2007/08 season was the first time Blackpool had played in the second tier of English football for 29 years.

Blackpool has been run by the Oyston family since 1987 when property tycoon Owen Oyston bought a majority share in the club after selling his real estate business for 37 million pounds. In May 1996, Oyston was convicted of rape and given a six year sentence. In his absence, his son Karl was appointed Chairman and still holds that position today.

Blackpool have an average attendance of 8,000 with a ground capacity of 12,555 but they are redeveloping their Bloomfield Road ground to 16,000. Rumors persist that their redevelopment will not be ready in time for the start of the new Premiership season and that Blackpool will have to play their home games at Bolton’s Reebok Stadium. This is also due to problems with their floodlights and small press facilities.

Cardiff City have no such problems with their new stadium. Opened in July 2009 at a cost of 48 million pounds and with a capacity of nearly 27,000 it is regarded as one of the best stadiums in the Championship. The downside about their stadium is that they share it with Cardiff Rugby League Club, making the pitch bumpy in the latter stages of the season.

Cardiff will be favorites going into the Play-Off Final. Last season, they only just missed out on the play-offs and played in the 2008 FA Cup final losing 1-0 to Portsmouth. Cardiff were last in the top flight back in 1962.

Earlier this year, Cardiff faced a winding up order at the High Court for an unpaid 2.7 million pounds tax bill. The club are still in debt and badly need the 60 million pounds gained from winning the Play-Off final.

That’s what is at stake in this final – 60 million pounds.

It’s all or nothing, do or die and makes you grateful that Arsenal never have to worry about this kind of headache.

Keep It Arsenal

Some Things Don’t Go Well Together

Liverpool verses Chelsea on Sunday will be watched world wide. The majority of fans including Spurs, Arsenal, and Man City will want a Chelsea victory. Even some Liverpool fans deep down would rather see their team lose if it means Manchester United not breaking their record of title wins. A Premiership team winning four titles in a row is not healthy, especially when Alex Ferguson is their manager.

If there’s one thing I like about Mourinho, its that he has charisma. True, running on the Barcelona pitch at the end of Inter’s semi-final victory lacked dignity and respect to his opponents and hosts. Playing loud Catalan military music and turning on the sprinklers while Inter celebrated was behavior of a sore loser. Barcelona can be very petulant.

One Barca player who I have really come to dislike is Sergio Busquets. His theatrics against Arsenal and especially Inter deserve a beating or a week in Rikers Island. The man is a disgrace.

Congratulations to Fulham on reaching the Europa League final. Simon Davies goal was top draw. Superb skill.

Fulham beat Hamburg, Wolfsburg, Juventus, holders Shakhtar Donetsk, and Roma without having to rely on penalties. Not an easy route to any final. They also made the quarter-finals of the FA Cup, going out to Spurs only after a replay. Roy Hodgson has proved along with Jose Mourinho that he is a very good coach.

The ramifications of Fulham reaching the Europa final is that they will play a weakened team against Arsenal for the last game of the season. Not that this will count for anything as Arsenal are only playing for third spot, which is an improvement from last season.

Liverpool are a club that are in a crisis. Not reaching the Europa League final is the final straw for most Liverpool fans. Liverpool and Rafa Benitez do not go well together. Benitez needs to leave the club to save his career and Liverpool need to find new owners and a new manager to reignite the club back to challenging for trophies.

People forget that last season Liverpool were challenging Manchester United for the title. This season, they are instead challenging Manchester City for the last Champions League spot. A challenge that they will lose come Sunday afternoon.

How the once mighty can fall so fast. A warning for us all.

Keep It Arsenal

Inter the Future

– The match between Arsenal and Manchester City has been unanimously called dull. Everybody is right. The only thing to take from the match was Robin van Persie’s tackle on Adebayor. The less said about the match the better.

– I don’t know why Manchester City are being allowed to bring in Fulop on emergency loan. Their reserve keeper was fielded against us. Could they not use a reserve goalkeeper to back up Gunnar Nielsen? I don’t get it.

– Who do we want to finish 4th? Truly a nightmare scenario. Do we actually want Sp*rs to finish 4th? Possibly so, if it means keeping Manchester City down. If Manchester City gets Champions League football, they’ll find it easier to sign world class players. They’ll sign good players regardless, but it would be a big step forward for them. If Sp*rs get 4th, it’ll be terrible for us, but imagine the humiliation when they’re knocked out by the champions of Czech Republic. Maybe we want Aston Villa to sneak it, knowing how mediocre a manager O’Neill is. We definitely do not want Liverpool to somehow get 4th, because that would mean they would have beaten Chelsea, and if that’s the case, Manchester United will have won the Premier League. That’s a true nightmare.

– Everybody assumed Inter Milan would be put to the sword by Messi. I knew better. If I’m being honest, we made Barcelona look great. Mourinho would do no such thing. And in the end, his plan was simple. Field two holding midfielders, use Sneijder to provide creativity through the middle, deploy quick wingers to make runs between the full-backs and centre-backs, and rely on the solid defense (with the inspirational Lucio as a pivot point). Furthermore, they kept the pitch dry. Can they hold on against to their lead? Barcelona may score two goals, but I think Inter will also score once. That means Barcelona need to score three or four to win the tie. Messi’s “ascension” to immortality continues here.

– You may not like him, but Jose Mourinho is a winner. He’s proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt. If he successfully prevents Barcelona from defending the Champions League at the Bernabeu, he’ll be the Real Madrid manager next year. Guaranteed.

– Following Inter’s blueprint, could we have done the same against Barcelona if we were fully fit? I think we could have, but I still don’t think we would have played that way against Barcelona. Wenger wants to outplay Barcelona, and to get there, we’re going to need to improve a lot.

– It was nice to hear George Boateng condemn Phil Brown for his embarrassing halftime pitch talk way back. English people wrote it off, but that is the kind of thing a megalomanic does. Humiliating your players often leads you nowhere. That’s why Almunia has a “wrist injury,” even though it’s plainly obvious he does not.

– Tony Pulis is furious that information about a fight between the players was leaked out to the public. He’s apparently preparing to ship out ten of the players. A harmonious ship, huh? I can hear him already, “we’re not that kind of team.” Sure.

– I hope Liverpool fields a team of reserves against Chelsea. I would love to see the look on Alex Ferguson’s face when he reads that Damien Plessis is playing instead of Gerrard. That won’t happen though. Regardless, you have to give some credit to Chelsea. They’ve scored an insane amount of goals and have had three games where they’ve scored seven goals. They don’t have much of a style, but they bang them in. You can’t ignore 93 goals in 36 games.

– Check out this goal by Sergio Canales. Stunning. I wish we signed him, but he’s off to Madrid. Bastards.

– To close with a quote by Wenger. “For a while, we were not investing maybe because we had built the stadium, but I think our financial situation is now becoming much stronger and we will be capable to buy the players we need to buy.” There are a few things to point out here. One, it reveals that Wenger was handcuffed by the stadium. Did he complain? No. Did fans still asked for his head. Two, he used the word “need”, which indicates that he sees clear areas that need to be improved. Last, it shows that Wenger understands that next year will be crucial to this team’s development. Another trophyless season will be a big problem, and he knows it. I would love to fast forward a few months and have next season start now. But first, let’s enjoy the Champions League and the World Cup.

Keith Alexander: Rest In Peace

Sometimes a non-celebrity football coach passes away unnoticed. Keith Alexander died of a brain aneurysm aged just 53. As a professional he played for lower league teams such as Barnet, Grimsby, Stockport, Lincoln, and Mansfield. After his playing career ended he went into coaching, where his biggest success was leading Lincoln City to four successive League Two play-off campaigns.

Keith Alexander became the first full-time black manager in the Football League when he was named Lincoln manager in 1993 and thus became a role model to all aspiring black managers.
“There aren’t enough black managers who are given a chance when you consider the number of black players,” said Notts County youth team coach Michael Johnson.

“Keith was a trailblazer – someone I looked up to. I asked him what I need to do to follow in his footsteps. I could not believe the news when I heard it. It’s a massive loss for young black coaches and for football as a whole. We have lost an absolute gentleman.”

Keith Alexander 14th November 1956 – 3rd March 2010

Keep It Arsenal

Great Players, Memorable Matches – 1981 European Cup Winners’ Cup Final

In 1981, Georgian/Soviet Union side Dinamo Tbilisi faced Carl Zeiss Jena of East Germany in the Cup Winners’ Cup Final. It was one of the most entertaining matches I have ever seen. The match sticks in my mind for its entertainment value as well as for the indelible image of the classy David Kipiani.

Kipiani is the mustachioed guy in the center of the picture above. He wore the no. 10 and played like one – superior technique, skillful, great vision. He would manage Dinamo after retirement before his unfortunate death in 2001. Unfortunately, he didn’t feature in a FIFA World Cup Finals tournament.

If you can get your hands on that 1981 Cup Winners’ Cup Final, buy it on sight.

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